Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
