Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
