He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
