I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
