Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
