we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
