but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
