I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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