Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
