I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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