my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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