I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
