i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
