So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
