I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize