My liver just broke up with me...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You ruined the universe
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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