Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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