I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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