I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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