I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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