you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
