I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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