there's paper in my vomit.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
