I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
