You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
