I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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