I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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