Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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