meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I can't put those talents on a resume
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Randomize
