Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
