Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
no, he came in my armpit
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
