oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
