how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And then my night got REAL pukey
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
