Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
