I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize