Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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