I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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