what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
