I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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