Cold hands, warm shart.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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