I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
