Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
