is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize