so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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