Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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