We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
