The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
