I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
