the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
