My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i now understand why vodka
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
