No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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