My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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