she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
