I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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